It's Jesus!
by JumpFrog
Summary: When a man who the crowd thinks is Jesus appears in New York City, it causes waves of controversy, happiness, sadness, and incredulity throughout the world. And who wanted to go to Heaven anyway? Meanwhile, the Magical Ministries of the world are trying to cover everything up... :Humor Fic: :Pairings...?: -NOTE- This is a comedy, and is not intended to offend anyone.


It's Jesus!

It was a quiet day in New York when someone noticed a man dressed in white walking on a lake in Central Park.

The stared at the sight for a moment, making sure that he wasn't standing on something. Whatever the trick was, it was cool. Although…. That guy reminded him of someone…. The man's eyes widened even more.

"Holy crap guys, it's fucking Jesus!" exclaimed the slow-witted man, running up to another bystander and gesturing wildly, "Look, it's a fucking Jesus!"

The other man looked at the first man as though he was an idiot, but when he saw the man in the flowing white robes on the water, his eyes widened comically.

"Holy shit, that's Jesus!" he proclaimed, and he yelled to his friend who was watching this, "HAH! And you didn't believe in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior! Well, in your FACE! Hey, everyone, it's Jesus!"

Soon, there was a crowd staged around the phenomenon taking place in Central Park. Cameras flashed, SMS were sent, and everybody was yammering in their phones like crazy.

"And I was like, no way, but then I saw the dude on the water, and I was like 'woah'!"

"OMG! This is so exciting!"

"…..And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen."

"GUYS! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I JUST SAW!"

"…..How can you not believe me? He is standing right there! I sent you a picture…."

Then the man raised h is hands, and the chatter died down. With his hands in the air, the man started to walk on the water. 3 Minutes passed, until someone cried out "He's walking in circles!"

The crown looked at the man. And indeed he was.

"Wow, what do you think it means?"

"Maybe life is cycle!"

"A circle has a circumference of 360 degrees…. He is obviously prophesying that something will happen in one year…."

"Yo, Jesus, you want a hot dog?"

The man then started to walk towards the shore. Once he reached it, the area was once again awfully quiet.

"My peoples!" he said, looking around, "Have you been faithful?"

A wail of cries erupted from the ever-increasing crowd. Some were exclaiming how they always believed, while others…. were exclaiming other things, or just plain wailing, for reasons unknown.

"So!"

Total quiet.

"Who here wants to go to heaven?"

"ME!"

"Dude, that'd be like, totally awesome!"

"I have always been a believer my Lord!"

"Well guess what?" said the man, looking at the crowd. "You can't!"

Pandemonium erupted.

"Oh, quit your yapping. There are just too many people going into Hell these days! So my Father and I have decided to, under the advice of the Holy Spirit, to abolish Heaven and just leave Hell."

And the crowd was stunned into silence.

"I mean, really, it was a failed idea from the start. A lot of the people didn't get along with each other, and, among other things, who would want to spend an eternity living at your favorite beach house? A week is too short. A month is alright. With a year you get used to it. A decade you start to feel like it's mundane. In a century you get bored. In a millennium you want to get the Hell out (Sorry God), and in eternity you want to kill yourself. In fact, we have had 1,233,642,598 attempted suicides. Attempted, because, well, they were already dead…. "

"Heaven is actually worse than Hell, so really, we are doing humanity a favor!"

And the crowd was speechless.

"So, yep, that's what I wanted to tell you. Oh, don't look so sad about it. Here's some wine!" With those words, the man waved his hand, and the whole lake became the best red wine you could drink.

And with an unnoticed 'pop', the man disappeared.

The entire crowd stood still, looking at the spot where the man was standing.

And there was no rejoicing.

**PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER**

"So, Jesus, how did Heaven cope with all of the suicides?" asked a talk show host, in obvious awe of the man… no, God, in front of him.

"Drugs."

"Drugs?"

"Mhm. Lots of drugs. Oh, and alcohol too. Trust me, if you knew some of the women the men of Faith married, you'd want to be either high or smashed when living with them for all eternity."

**Author's Note**: Yeah, I wrote a piece about someone from the magical world pretend to be Jesus. If you're not down with that, then I've got two words for you. It's a comedic little fic that I decided to do. It wasn't intended to insult any religious people, but if you are insulted, then I really don't give a shit. It's fiction. Get over it, or get out. And for the love of Jesus (pun intended), don't review this story to flame it.

However, if you have enjoyed it, then please leave a review, and vote on what you thought of it, and whether or not I should add some more chapters. You can vote on the Poll that's set up on my Bio page, and have a fantastic day! (Or night!)

-JumpFrog


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